Forgive and Forget?

Mother Theresa is credited with the above quote.   It's a pretty interesting quote and one that I find myself agreeing with as I believe God is forgiving by nature as evidenced by the following verses:

• Psalm 51:17 - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

• Psalm 86:4-5 - Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.  For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

• Psalm 103:8-12 - The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.  He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever.  He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

• Isiah 1:18 - "Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; tough they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

But do we really follow God's example in forgiveness?   Do we forgive everyone as we should?  What I mean by that is:

• Do we forgive everyone who wrongs us - regardless of the offense?
• When we do forgive - do we forget the offense or do we maintain a list/hold a grudge?
• Do we approach individuals who have wronged up appropriately?
• Do we maintain a personal policy similar to three strikes and you're out when it comes to forgiving others?

In my mind, if we are uneasy about any of our answers to the above, then we likely aren't following the example God's example.  Looking at each of the questions individually:

Do we forgive everyone who wrongs us - regardless of the offense?

You know what I mean here - right?   Sometimes we can't believe that someone did or said something, intentional or not, that wronged us.   The wrong could be any number of things, lying, stealing, gossip, physical violence, emotional harm - anything.  How many times do we say/think - there's no coming back from this one!  I will never be able to forgive them!  However that isn't what Jesus tells us.   Jesus expects us to forgive - regardless of the offense.  

• Matthew 6:14-15 - For if you forgive men when the sin against you, you heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

• Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Based on the above verses, we are to forgive as the He forgave us.   How many of us have thought that Jesus could never forgive us for whatever sin we have in our life - and yet he does and has.

The story of how Stephen met his end is another example of forgiveness regardless of how you are wronged.   

• Acts 7:59-60 - While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit."  Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he said this, he fell asleep.

Stephen is being stoned / killed and yet he prays and asks the Lord to not hold it against them.   He is forgiving them as they are taking his life.  Can you imagine someone wronging you in as harsh a manner and forgiving them?   We must also not forget the example Jesus sets for us - He assumed all of our sins, went to the cross and died for each of our sins.  Yet he forgives us.   Given that example, how can we not forgive those that wrong us?

When we forgive - do we forget the offense or do we maintain a list/hold a grudge?

We are all guilty of this one.   We may forgive someone but we maintain a list in the back of our head that remembers each and every wrong.   Or we forgive someone only to continue to look for reasons why they may have said or done what it is they did and once we observe that behavior, we make assumptions that reinforce our opinion.  Perhaps we also begin to resent that person or start treating them differently.   We may even hold back on the list until the next opportunity to bring it up - i.e. the next argument or the next time the person has to apologize.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."   Based on this verse alone, not only do we need to forgive, but we also need to let go of any anger, resentment and other negative feelings we have towards the person otherwise we may put our self in the position of judging that person based on our perceptions - even though they "apologized" and we "forgave" them.  

Luke 6:37 says: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven."    This verse alone is worthy of its own discussion, however, I think it also applies here. We shouldn't be judging others.  Frankly, we aren't qualified to judge others due to our own sinful nature.  Further, if we end up holding onto bitter feelings and find ourselves judging the other person, then aren't we opening up ourselves to be judged in a similar manner by Jesus ("Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned")?

That and I this verse sums it up for us pretty concisely.

• Luke 7:47-48 -  "...Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much.  But he who is forgiven little, loves little."  And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." 

If we are in fact holding onto grudges and resentment after forgiving them, are we really sincere in our forgiveness?   

Do we approach individuals who have wronged us appropriately?

When you are wronged, do you think about it and let the hurt/anger build over a course of several days before approaching the individual?   Do you immediatly lash out in anger and have it out as soon as you learn of the transgression?   OR do you avoid the conversation all together and internalize the resulting hurt/anger because you really don't like confrontation/conflict?

Regardless of how you approach it, the bible tells us that we need to approach the individual in grace and love.   In fact, Galatians 6:1-2 say to use a "spirit of gentleness."   Specifically, Galatians 6:1-2 says - "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.  Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."    In short, we should be kind, speak in love, but do have the conversation regarding why you feel wronged and be ready to forgive them and fully restore the relationship.

But what if I don't like conflict?   Can't I just ignore the issue and let bygones be bygones?  I suppose that is an approach, but is it really the best thing long term?   Isn't it possible that over time you will let the anger and hut build up and have it negatively impact the relationship you have?    In Matthew Jesus says: 

• Matthew 5:22-24 - "But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgement; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire.  So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave you gift there before the alter and go.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

According to Jesus, if you know there is an issue, then you need to go and take care of it, otherwise we are opening ourselves up for judgement and potentially ruining a relationship longer term.

Do we maintain a personal policy similar to "three strikes and you're out" when it comes to forgiving others?

This is one that has what is a very familiar verse when it comes to discussions around forgiveness.  In fact, I don't know that I could discuss forgiveness and not have this verse as part of it.  

• Matthew 18:21-22 - The Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?   Up to seven times?  "Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

In this scripture, Peter probably felt that he was being gracious when asking if seven was the total number of times he should forgive someone.   As you can tell, by Jesus' answer, we must forgive many more times than just seven.  Jesus did not intend to set an upper boundary limiting the number of times we are to forgive.  In fact, my belief is Christians with forgiving hearts not only do not limit the number of times they forgive, they continue to forgive with as much grace and love when forgiving someone for the millionth time as they had the first time they forgave someone.   This level of grace and love in forgiveness is only possible because the Spirit of God lives within each of us and He is the one providing the ability to offer repeated forgiveness - just as Jesus repeated forgives us.

I think Henry Ward Beecher summed it up best when he was quoted as saying. "A forgiveness ought to be like a canceled note, torn in two and burned up, so that it can never be shown against the man."

Let's show the world a different side of Christianity - one based in the love and forgiveness Jesus provides each of us!